To be completely honest…

I’ve been avoiding you.

I’ve been avoiding the blog.

I’ve been avoiding myself. 

And as much as I have tried, I really haven’t been completely honest.

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I can try to hide it, but I’m not fooling anybody. I say I’m going to the gym (and some days I really do!) but I’m clearly not going regularly. I say I am eating healthy (and a lot of the time I do) but then I go and spoil it by binging. Like I did tonight…

I’m also not fooling my closet… I might have more like definitely had a breakdown the other afternoon while trying to find something to wear to Brandon’s sisters Gr.9 grad ceremony.

You have no idea how hard it was to type that. Well…actually you might. That’s what motivated me to start this in the first place. I was so inspired by all of the amazing women I have read about and thought “if they can do it so can I!”

But then I started to feel like a sham.

I would say I ate this or that … but what I wouldn’t say is that I couldn’t stop myself from going to the store by my office to grab a chocolate bar or a red bull because I couldn’t control my cravings. I wouldn’t admit that it happened far too frequently, they weren’t just a treat. Treats are occasional. These were not.

Then I let myself fall into the comparison trap.

I started comparing my meals to everyone else's. I felt embarrassed that until Brandon and I find better jobs than the ones we have now (both new grads still in our student jobs) I can’t buy the “fancy” healthy ingredients all the time.

I am stopping that now. I am going to start keeping a log of my daily eats – and not hide a thing. I am going to become more creative with my meals and get creative with what I do have and can buy. It is possible to do it on our budget, it just will require a bit more work. For starters I am going to plan out my work lunches at the beginning of the week. Too often I leave it till the last minute and end up wasting money eating out or grabbing something quick and unhealthy/not filling.

I added a workout log page as well. I am going to strive to update it at least a couple times a week. I might not record that days workout right away, but it will be going up.

I’m also going to add the link back onto my Twitter page. I chickened out before and took it down in case someone I knew found it.

I know I might sound like a broken record. And I haven’t given any reasons to believe me in the past. So I’m not going to say I promise anything. I am just going to do it.